


I Am Trying

by mywyn_myearp



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Jokes, Brotp, Depression, F/F, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:08:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29349459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mywyn_myearp/pseuds/mywyn_myearp
Summary: Wynonna and Nicole, like the best friend's they are, hanging out. Causing trouble as usual but they came across one of Wynonna's psychiatrist who, well, let's just say, really brought Wynonna walls down. And Nicole was there to witness it.Read to see more.
Relationships: Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp/Nicole Haught
Kudos: 7





	I Am Trying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MistressDarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressDarkness/gifts).



> MENTION OF TRIGGERS SO BEWARE!! DONT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED OR AT A BAD STATE OF MIND!! PLEASE!!

**Nicole POV**

I don't know how I got here, sitting with my best friend, my girlfriend's sister, Wynonna Earp who is currently crying in my arms.

A few hours ago we were just at Shorty's. Having a few drinks while playing ball...

**No One POV**

_"Well I beat you again Haught," the Heir smirks at the redhead. She was currently fixing all the balls into the triangle container again for another round._

_Nicole rolls her eyes. "Well, if you didn't cheat, I would have won."_

_The Heir huffs while sending a playful glare,"No you just suck at this." Wynonna was right but Nicole knew that it still wasn't fair to cheat._

_"You shouldn't have pushed me!"_

_"You should have been paying attention then!"_

_"I was! You distracted me!"_

_Wynonna gasps,"Oh Haught. I know I am hot and all but I don't swing that way. Plus, Waverly will beat your ass."_

_Nicole groans in frustration,"Ugh! Not what I mean."_

_The Heir chuckles,"Oh I know. I just like messing with you." The red head rolls her eyes,"Just for that, you owe me another round of whiskey."_

_"You wouldn't dare Red." The look on the redhead's face told seriousness._ _Wynonna groans while stomping her leg like a child. Nicole watches in amusement. 'This is my best friend,' she thinks._

_"But but-"_

_"No buts."_

_"I thought you liked my butt. It's top shelf, in your own words."_

_"You are so infuriating. Go and pay us some more drinks. I need to set my plan to beat your ass."_

_"Oh kinky. I like it," Wynonna smirks while walking to the bar. Brown eyes roll in annoyance._

_"Hey Blondy, give me four more shots of your strongest whiskey."_

_The bartender, Luke, looks towards her. "Coming right up Earp." He gets four shot glasses to fill up with some whiskey._

_Nicole is gonna have a burned throat by the end of today._

_The Blue eyed woman grabs their drinks,"Thanks Luke." The_ _blonde boy shyly nods,"On the house Earp."_

_She nods back while carrying the drinks to the pool table._

_"Look Haughtrod, we got some for free!"_

_The redhead chuckles. She grabs one of the shot glasses, and shot one down her throat._

_Widening her eyes, she starts coughing. The Heir snickers,"Can't hold your alcohol Taterhaught?"_

_Nicole let's out some small gasps to help cool down her burning throat,"Are you trying to kill me!?"_

_"It didn't work. Plus, Waverly will kill me."_

_Nicole massages her throat with scoff. "Oh you are so gonna lose Earp."_

_"Bring it on Haughtpants."_

_The duo plays for a few more games (which of course Wynonna wins)._

_Wynonna's phone rings. She picks it up then after a few minutes later hangs up._

_"Shit. Babygirl wants us to go to the station. I think they found something for this Bulshar crap."_

_"Alright, let's go."_

_******_

_The best friend's walk out of the station. One is exhausted from the demon hunt while the other is frustrated about some paperwork._

_"I can't believe that douche bag almost stolen some condoms just for his cucumber,"Wynonna laughs at Nicole's story._

_The redhead frowns in disgust,"Don't even say that again."_

_The Heir rolls her eyes,"Sorry that you are too gay for cucumber."_

_Nicole fake gags,"I think imma be sick."_

_"Ugh, Haught love is love remember. You act like you didn't experiment. Come on, was it really that bad?"_

_"Do you see I am a lesbian? Of course it was that bad."_

_Wynonna tilts her head in thought at the redhead with a man. She gags. "I rather walk in on you and my sister."_

_"You already do Earp." They continue walking to Shorty's._

_"Hey! Not my fault y'all are like bunnies. You guys always wanna jump each other!"_

_Nicole chuckles while Wynonna grimace at the last time she walked in on Nicole with her baby sister._

_Let's just say, she will never look at the couch again. She sleeps on the floor now._

_"Well, we thought you were with Doc-"_

_"Wynonna Earp?"_

_The duo stops. The Heir stiffens at that voice. Such an familiar voice._

_The Blue eyed woman turns around to meet those vicious grey eyes._

_"Wynonna. I didn't think you would be back."_

_The Heir fakes a smile,"Why would you care?"_

_Nicole looks between the Heir and the unknown woman. The woman was about Wynonna's height. Older, possibly 45 to 50 years old. Blonde hair turning into gray. Her face is very young with a few wrinkles here and there._

_The unknown woman smiles small,"I still see that you have that attitude."_

_Wynonna chuckles sarcastically,"Well, isn't that too bad. What are you gonna do? Put me in a mental hospital again?"_

_Nicole frowns at the old woman who is rolling her eyes at Wynonna's comment,"Um excuse me but who are you?" The cop glances back to Wynonna. The Heir is so tense that even Nicole feels her muscles ache. But she can see that she has this...fear in her eyes. It is always hard to see unless you really study or know Wynonna._

_"Oh how rude of me Officer," the woman chuckles while looking at Nicole's badge,"Haught. I am Dr. Kenda. I was Wynonna's psychiatrist when she was younger."_

_Dr Kenda looks at Wynonna,"How are you?"_

_Wynonna scoffs,"Now, you wanna care?"_

_"Wynonna, I have always cared and wonder about you. Ever since you started to cu-"_

_"Don't you dare finish that sentence," the Heir snaps with interruption._

_Nicole saw how calm the psychiatrist was with Wynonna. Wynonna, on the other hand, look like she is ready to put a bullet in the doctor's head._

_"Wyn...let's go okay?," The cop looks at the woman,"I think you should leave."_

_"Yes. I should. It was lovely seeing you Wynonna. I hope you are doing well," and with that, the doctor left._

_Wynonna stood in silence. Nicole was hesitant to even speak or move._

_"Wynonna..."_

_The Heir didn't respond. Instead she just stares right infront of where the doctor was._

_All those months of torture she had to go through with that woman. All the times she made her feel like she isn't worth it. And now she shows up and telling her she cares?_

_"Let's just go to the Homestead," Nicole offers with a soft tone. The cop never seen Wynonna like this. She was always loud and uncaring about anything. But right now, she is acting as if Dolls died again. This time, Wynonna was sober. Which is not a good combo with the Earp Heir._

_"I'll drive,"the cop said._

_*********_   
_The ride was silent. The tension in the air was suffocating for the redhead. She didn't understand what that woman did to Wynonna for her to act like this. She was quite confuse._

_There are a few things that gets Wynonna under her skin. Which is a rare sight to see. If you mess with her family, then you will get hunted like no other predator does to their prey. And if you hurt someone innocent, you will get the biggest ass whoopen from Wynonna herself. With the help of Doc of course._

_Nothing really scares the Earp unless it is demons trying to kill her family. She has seen so much and lost so much that she can't lose anyone else._

_She just lost her daughter, though she isn't dead, she will never get to see her grow up from baby to whatever age she will be when Wynonna gets her back. Gus sends some photos every week to update Wynonna but Wynonna can't look at the photos. It hurts too much to not see her baby. So instead she tells Waverly to look at them for her._

_And she just lost Dolls. Her best friend. Her boss. The man she truly loved (besides Doc) that understood her. That knows her. Yeah, he was a jerk and asshole most of the time but when it was just her and him alone. Working or just in silence at the office, it was moments like that, that she wishes she never took for granted._

_He risked his life for her and her fucked up family. For this fucked up curse. And no matter what, she will find and end Bulshar. For taking the one person who truly saw her as Wynonna. Not a crazy bitch with a gun, not a father killer. Not the crazy town girl._

_But as Wynonna. And she never, ever regret meeting him._

_The car parks infront of the Homestead. Immediately the Heir gets out to go to the Barn._

_"Wynonna, wait-"_

_"Nicole. I just want to be alone."_

_Nicole pauses. That tone. The same tone she had heard before when she and Wynonna got drunk at the forest. The same tone when Jack of Knives tormented her for weeks. When she had to shoot Willa in the head._

_It was that tone that made Nicole heart ache. Her best friend is constantly in pain and she doesn't know how to help her. Wynonna usually just brush it away like nothing but that damn woman._

_Those Earp women always hide their pain and hold it in. Waverly hides it with a smile and wave when in reality she is dying inside and no one sees it besides Nicole. And Wynonna...damn that woman uses drinks after drinks, hook ups after hook ups, just to find something._

_Something to feel that is good. Something to keep her demons at the back of her mind._

_It will work for a bit. Everything is at peace after the sex and drinks. She is calm. Almost happy to be feeling something other than fucking misery. But no matter what, everything comes to an end._

_It catches up to her like a gasoline playing with fire. All the aches comes back a thousand more harder and painful than ever._

_The voices in her head. Always tormenting her mind. Always telling her what or who she really is._

_A killer. She killed her father because she couldn't fucking tilt the gun up right. Because she was scared._

_She couldn't save Willa from her own torment. She saw her old sister change before her eyes. She was so oblivious. So naive. She saw the evil in those cold light green eyes but didn't even realize it. She just shrug off what she saw and felt. Hell, she fucking allowed Willa to hurt Waverly. Even if she was there to help Waverly get up, she allowed it to still happen. Now she is dead because of her. Once again, dead. She killed her exactly like she killed her father. She was scared._

_She was a horrible niece to Curtis and Gus. Always getting into trouble. Disrespecting Curtis when he will try to help her calm down. Gus gave up on her a while ago but Curtis, he stayed. He had faith that one day she will get her head out of her ass and realize how important she is. How much she was loved. That no matter what happened at that night, at the homestead with her sisters and father,_

_It wasn't her fault. And now, he is dead. Murdered by those revenants who destroyed her family. And she wasn't on time to save him. If only she was a day early, he would be alive. If only thinking of coming into town didn't tense her up, the man would be here. Helping Gus with Alice at least. But again she was scared._

_The worst thing she has ever did, which she did alot of bad things in her life, but the one thing she can never forgive herself for_

_Was leaving Waverly behind._

_She left her baby sister who was torment everyday by the town for being related to a crazy ass girl who shot her father. Her baby sister spent years hiding who she is just to fit into the crowd so the bullying would stop. So she can be accepted for who she isn't. Hell, Wynonna is a big reason as to why Waverly couldn't accept her bisexuality. Because no one ever accepted Waverly for Waverly. Which caused her to forget that crush she had in middle school through high school. The girl's was name Everylen. But instead she date Champ Fucking Hardy. The lowlife, boy-man who cheated after cheated on her baby sister. Which made Waverly so use and numb to it that she thought that will be her life forever. And she left her here. She left her to her own demons. She was alone like always. Wynonna always promised her that she will never leave the baby Earp._

_But she did. Because she was scared._

_All she ever did was ruin lives. All she ever did was run._

_That damn psychiatrist had to come, especially when she was sober, to fuck her up again._

_Nicole heard the sniffles from the Heir. She saw the the tense of her body become even more unbearable and tenser each second._

_The Heir was holding it all in. Barely. Her crystal blue eyes gloss up when the tears started to come out. She tried to hold them in. She tried to hold on stronger than ever to make it seem like she has control, so none of the tears drop down her face. But no matter what, it always comes out._

_The first sob that came out of the Heir's mouth was very quiet to Nicole's ears but she still heard the exhale of breath to know what it was. Waverly does the same cry._

_The redhead witness Wynonna fist up her hands. She saw the dark haired woman trying to grasp back that control. Try to conceal and don't feel. The Earp was seconds away from running inside the house to her damn whiskey. Wishing to feel it burn her throat which brought the pain. The pain she knows she deserves._

_"Wynonna..."_

_That damn soft voice of Haught. Like she cares about Wynonna. She already lost Dolls to her bullshit. She can't let Nicole go down the same route because this time, she will hurt Waverly more than she ever has done._

_"Nicole. I am fine. Just go back to my sister. She is probably waiting for you to go and have a very nice, non-kinky night."_

_The Heir chuckles sadly which didn't seem any different than Wynonna's usually chuckle. The Deputy Sheriff steps up slowly behind the Heir. "Wyn..."_

_"Nicole please. I-I can't."_

_Of course she can't look at the redhead in the eye. Why? So the redhead can see her in pain and just leave her like everyone. She deserves it anyway._

_"Okay...,"Nicole says slowly. ," I won't look at you but please. At least let me stay by your side."_

_"Why the fuck do you care Nicole?," Wynonna snaps while tilting her head to her shoulder without showing her face._

_"I-," Nicole sighs,"Because I know how it feels."_

_The Heir takes a sharp inhale while trying to stiffen her second sob._

_Of course Nicole knows. She is always observant. She may not know the actual feeling of what the Earp woman feels but she knows the feeling of loneliness. The abandonment. All of the demons and their voices, casting spells of storms in her head._

_She knows._

_"Nicole...,"Wynonna cries out. Turning around, she looks at those brown eyes. Nicole felt her heart break at the sight._

_Wynonna finally let go of the control she had. Tears racing down her face, overflowing which makes Wynonna's eyes turn red. Her face is red because of her being tense for a while. Her arms hugging herself so tightly, like she has never felt that affection before. Which she really never had besides little parts of when Waverly hugs or holds her._

_She looks like that small girl at that night at the Homestead when her father and sister got taken from her. When her own father would beat Waverly for just breathing. For when she tried so hard to stop him but he just pushed her away. She hit the table and a sharp knife cut her arm. It wasn't a big cut but there was blood._

_When her mother got arrested. She was suppose to protect her, Willa, and Waverly. But she left._

_And being raised with no one believing her. It crushed her. It fucking broke her sense of self._

_Wynonna Earp is broken. So far off the rails to be fixed. So messed up that she holds everything inside._

_But the way Nicole is looking at her. The softness aligning her face. Her body only six feet away which is hesitant to come near._

_Wynonna saddens more. 'Am I really that scary, that...BROKEN, to be near?'_

_Blue eyes looks back into brown. She frowns. Is Nicole...tearing up?_

_"Why are you tearing up?"_

_"Because I hate seeing you like this. It isn't fair and I want to help Wynonna."_

_The redhead steps closer until she is at least arm length away from the sobbing woman. "Please. Just...let me be there for when you need to let go."_

_That was a plead. Not an offer. Wynonna never thought someone other than her whiskey bottle would plead for her. Nicole wants to be here for her._

_"Why? Why me? Just-,"the voices kept getting louder and louder. Causing her to inhale with a sharp pain in her chest._

_'Killer. Murder. Stupid. Not worthy. You should have killed yourself back in juvie. Worthless. Horrible friend. All you need is to drown yourself with those whiskey bottle. Go ahead, throw that bottle into the wall. Grab that piece of glass and put it into your skin just like the knife did when Daddy pushed you. You should get that psychiatrist again. Let her hold you down to stuff all these tests to see what is your brain activity. Allow her to scream in your face about how fucking crazy you are. Let her give you medication after medication of wrong drugs. Allow her to drug you up until you can't remember your name. Until you can't breathe. Do it Wynonna. JUST DIE!'_

_"STOP!," Wynonna yells while holding both sides of her head. Her chest aches of that cruel anxiety. The darkness from the depression swirls into laughter, causing her to have a headache. Her eyes won't stop bleeding the salty water. She wants it to stop._

_Nicole went to best friend mode. Her arms wrap around Wynonna, pulling her into her chest,"Wynonna, I got you."_

_The Heir stiffens in the embrace. The cop was ready to feel those punches Wynonna gives anyone who hugs her besides Waverly. But instead she felt hands clutch her shoulders. Wailings of a woman in lost bouncing off her chest._

_This was Wynonna. The broken woman who is holding the cop so tightly, she is afraid to lose her._

_"Sh, Wyn...it's okay. I got you,"the redhead mumbles against the hairline of the dark brunnette._

_******_

That is where Nicole is. Both holding each other in the cold of the afternoon, near the barn door. Nicole wanted to bring Wynonna inside but was afraid of her best friend's walls coming back up. But she knows Wynonna will get sick if stayed out there for much longer. 

"Wyn, let's go inside okay? Let's get you warmed up. You will get sick." 

The woman did not let go when Nicole walked them into the house. She didn't let go when Nicole dragged her to the couch. She didn't let go when Nicole was trying to go warm up some hot chocolate. She couldn't let go. 

"Earp let make you some-"

"Don't le-leave me. P-please,"Wynonna cries against the cops chest. She buries her face more into the redhead's chest. Trying to shield the reality of the world. 

"Okay I won't. Let's sit down." The cop slowly sits both of them down. Wynonna by her right side just hugging her at the waist with her head still at the chest. It was an awkward position for the cop but she didn't move. 

It seemed like hours past by before Wynonna slowly stopped crying. She would sniffle and let out a few painful whimpers and small whines when the voices would become to loud again. 

The cops back was stiffer as wood but she didn't care. All that matters right now was the woman in her arms. 

"I'm sorry,"Nicole heard a whisper into the quiet living room. "It's okay. It isn't your fault."

The Heir whines,"But it is. It is always my fault." She is technically right. And she knows Nicole knows that. She always doing stupid ass things and choices. 

"Not this time," a hand threads through dark brown hair. The Heir sniffles with a small sigh. The gesture reminds her of her mother. Of when she got hurt, riding her bike and sprained her ankle. Of how her mother patched her up and hold her through her crying.

Silence falls over again between the two women. The only sound was the snow outside, hitting the roof softly. Creating a calm song which brought the Heir to a calming state. 

"Wynonna...can I ask you something? You don't have to answer but,"Nicole sighs. She bites her lip in nerves. 

"What is it Haught?,"the blue eyed woman mumbles. 

"What did Dr. Kenda do to make you so...upset,"Nicole cringes at her lack of words. She didn't wanna say anything too overboard or not right. 

A few seconds past of silence. Nicole felt like it was hours but she heard a small voice echoing the room,"She was my psychiatrist. She was a good friend of my father's. She told Gus and Curtis that she can help me. Well, she isn't a good doctor," Wynonna sadly chuckles," I tried telling her that these demons broke into my home. Took my sister. I told her about their red eyes and scary faces that haunts me at night. She looked at me then started to laugh, telling me that demons aren't real. That it was robbers who are human, that did what they did. It was a long fight between her and I. Everywhere I go, I say everyone with those eyes. She couldn't handle me anymore. So she gave me medication. Which were the wrong ones to give me. I have anxiety and depression. PTSD and a series of horrible insomnia. She gave me medication for ADHD. For bipolar. Anything to make me stop moving for days. I was always going into the hospital because of the wrong medicine. She will always tell Gus and Curtis that I got the right prescriptions with the right dosages. They thought I was on hard drugs. The hospital didn't care either, all they knew was I was the killer daughter of the dead sheriff. I acted out so much that it wasn't even me. I was drugged and beaten by my so called friends in middle and high school. I was in and out of rehab everytime she saw my-," her blue eyes was already teary but she chokes of the sob trying to escape.

"Everytime she saw my wrists. I just used after used by her. She sent me to mental hospitals around Canada. Gus just let her. She knew I was a lost cause. But Curtis, he saw me for me. He tried so hard to help me but he was always biased. I went in and out of juvie like nothing. I couldn't take it anymore. I hate seeing Waverly get hurt more and more by me. So I left. I fucking left everyone. This town, my aunt and uncle. My baby sister. I just couldn't anymore Nicole." 

Nicole was already teary from the first sentence. She couldn't believe that bitch of a doctor did that to her best friend. "Oh my gosh. Wynonna, she tried killing you. You could have died."

"I know but we Earps down go down easily."

"I-I am so sorry Wynonna." 

"I don't need your pity."

"I am not. I know you don't need anything from me."

Wynonna moves out of Nicole's embrace. She looks at the brown eyes. Nicole looks at the swollen blue eyes. She saw anger and sadness coursing through them. "I just really wanna beat the bitch up."

Wynonna widens her eyes at the comment. That broke the very tense tension. She laughed with a snort. 

"Oh Haught. You are too funny."

Nicole pouts,"Hey I am serious. Stop laughing at me." She watches the Heir laugh even harder with her head thrown back. She releases a smile. "Oh gosh, Red. My lungs hurts."

"Rude,"the redhead chuckles. Wynonna smiles but then slowly frowns,"I'm sorry for slobbing all over your shirt." 

Nicole looks at her uniform which was completely drenched with tears and snot. "Eh. Waverly is worse."

"You can't just say that and not tell me the whole story."

"I will tell you later. Just don't get me killed by her."

The best friend's chuckles together. "Nicole?"

"Yes Wyn?"

"Thank you,"the Heir shyly says but clears her throat,"Thanks for this you know. A girl had to let some steam off. Don't you dare tell anyone I hugged you or so gosh help me Red." 

Nicole smiles,"I won't tell a soul. Unless you piss me off."

Wynonna gasps playfully,"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would. But in all seriousness, I actually should thank you. For allowing me to be here for you. And you telling me all of this. I know it wasn't easy to tell."

Wynonna swollen eyes closed. She sighs,"It wasn't easy at all but I'm just glad you were here. And I know, I am a bit annoying-"

"A bit!?"

"Hush, don't interrupt me,"the Heir rolls her eyes,"ok fine maybe a lot annoying but thanks."

"Always Wynonna. I am kinda stuck you with you anyways. As you can see, I am dating your sister."

"Ugh don't remind me. All she ever does is talk about how amazing you are and go all heart eyes." 

Nicole laughs. "But seriously, don't hurt her."

"I won't hurt her Wynonna. I will make mistakes but I will do my best to make her happy."

"Good or I will tell everyone you sleep with your teddy fox, Wind."

"I swear Wynonna, it was one time! Plus, you make a ugly crying face."

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

Wynonna rolls her eyes while taking off her jacket. Nicole looks at her with seriousness after a moment. 

"Are you feeling better now?"

"I am,"Wynonna genuinely smiles. 

"Good. You can always talk to me okay? No matter what."

"I will try. It's weird okay. Can we just pretend this never happened?"

"Whatever makes you feel better Wynonna."

The best friend's knew they won't forget it. And Wynonna actually hopes the redhead doesn't. But she knows Nicole won't. So she is relief at the moment. 

"Now, I am gonna wash up cause I hear my shower AND my whiskey calling to me."

"Okay. I am gonna be getting Waverly. Are you gonna be okay here alone for a sec?"

"Yes. And bring back some Chinese food. I am STARVING!"

"Okay,"Nicole chuckles while leaving. Wynonna looks at the front door. 

"Just...come back soon. Please...." She closes her swollen eyes, putting her walls up higher than ever. She went to the bathroom and looked at herself. 

' _Always gonna be a monster...'_

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I am creating oneshots for anyone who wants me to write them. You can dm on twitter or instagram my @ is _mywyn_myearp. Enjoy!!


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